my day is not going well AT ALL.
it started off great. i woke up early and made coffee and blueberry pancakes. ry and i got to spend some time together while joshua took an early nap. 
then i decided to drive ryan to work so id have the car.
i get this call while im out running errands... something about someone hacking into a merchants data base (a store that i bought from... no idea which one) and having my card number and experation date. so they were blocking my card and sending me a new one on monday. okay great, so the one day i chose to have the car i have no flippin' money. i was talking to geico FCU for over an hour about this, playing phone tag, getting transferred, pretty much the entire time i was at the park with joshua. i eventually just decided to go home because i was worn out. gave joshua a tuna fish sandwich, which he quickly decided to throw all over the carpet.
blahh.
and our car smells like poop because ryan left the windows down and it rained the other day. poured, actually.
and our check engine light came on this morning, like it always does every summer. weve had a diagnostic done on it and everything, no one can figure out why our car PMS's so much. its only 2 years old and runs seemingly fine.
after this afternoon i wanted to chuck our car into the atlantic just because it smelt bad and that stupid light was staring me in the face. what do you waaaaaaant?!

 ive had another really relaxing day. poor ryan could NOT get me out of bed this morning so he graciously took care of joshua until 9:30 when he went down for his morning nap. :) i was still sleeping when ryan went into work and that makes me sad. 

im starting to think he should go ahead and try to switch to the monday-friday shift so we'll have our nights open for more things. its been hard to cram it all into three evenings. recording, worship practice, our date night and eventually shows... ya we could really use the nights open.

since it rained all day joshy and i just stayed inside and played until tonight when my mom took us to walmart. we had subway for dinner and i got some grocery shopping done.

tomorrow will probably be a slow moving day as well, but saturday should be nice. ry has taken off the next two saturdays for different things (used some leftover vacation hours and switched shifts and such) so im pretty happy about that.

lately ive gotten the sense that ryan and i should start a bible study/cell group at our apartment. weve had so many people come into our lives the past few months that really seem like theyre searching. ive even had a couple of people at different times ask me if they could come to church with me. it amazes me how we're not even trying but God is bringing these people to us beginning through relationship, the way it should be, you know? if i could help point people to the one who made it all change for me then i would consider that a great honor.
when i start to think about it all i start to say to myself "im really very messed up. theres nothing great about my walk with God. who am i that these people would trust me with their stories??" and then i'm reminded that isnt about me at all. im just constantly amazed that God would think to use me and not move on to someone else who seems to have it all together. 

oh God, that you would burn out every part of me and make room for YOU. all i want is You.

 i hope my hair is long enough for this. this is EXACTLY how i want my hair for the pictures. :)

 we rented "cleaner" last night and it was actually pretty good! it had ed harris in it and i really like him so i figured it couldnt be horrible.
im not sure what we're doing today. id love to go to the beach but we cant really afford the gas to get there. well that, and im getting really tan and i dont want to look wierd.
joshua slept until 8:45 this morning. !!! :) he's been sleeping through the night so well lately. usually from 8pm-8am. i cant complain. he's sitting on my lap while i type this, being adorable. he's starting to mimic "uh-oh!", says "na-na" when he wants food or a bottle (a "word" he completely made up on his own),  and of course has ma-ma and da-da down perfectly.
ryans still asleep. im sad todays his last day off. :( but next weekend he's using a paid holiday to be in travis' wedding. im so excited about that!

 yesterday joshua and i skipped church while ryan went to play worship and stay for the service. we had promised ryans dad that we'd be over for lunch and if we hadnt stayed home in the morning joshua wouldve skipped his nap completely and made our visit at dads miserable. SO, we had a fabulous time over there, barbequing and swimming and eating ice cream and such. :) we came home around 4, took a nap (more naps!), and then dropped joshy off with my parents while ryan went to record and i went to see the dark knight with sarah and lisa. INcredible. :) it did not disappoint. although i was very sad to be watching it without ryan. didnt feel right. but he doesnt really enjoy movie theaters anyways. the three of us ended up staying out until almost 2 in the morning. i had a blast. :)
today i woke up and made pancakes for breakfast, and after joshuas nap (our lives revolve around making sure joshua is well rested, as you can see) we packed some food and walked down to the y's pool. we stayed out there for almost 3 hours and man, its probably my favorite thing to do with my family. the way its set up is just so much fun for all three of us.
even though i coated myself with spf 50 sunscreen i STILL tanned. joshua too. we're getting very dark. however daddy is still the pasty columbian i know and love.
we're probably going to stay in tonight. make dinner at home, rent a redbox movie, such.
im waiting for two things to come in the mail... our geico fcu checks (since we switched banks we've been wasting money with money orders to pay rent every month) and ryans jayden sentence pictures. i hope they come today. :)

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 the guy who did some of ryans tattoos died yesterday from a heart attack. he was such a nice guy and its just so hard to believe that it happened to him. he left two children behind. this world really isnt fair sometimes.

 sooo today i scrubbed bathrooms and floors, went to the gym (FINALLY, ha, go me), walked to bloom with joshua, got some groceries and came home to do laundry. LOTS and lots of laundry. i washed our sheets and our duvet as well. ugh, duvets and down comforters, so comfy but such a pain in the neck when it comes to putting them together. i break a sweat every time. maybe im not doing something right??
two more days of work for ryan and then its our weekend. :) 
he gets off in 10 minutes, then its the long drive home. we really do need to live closer to geico.

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 im bored and i have an hour until ryan comes home so i just want to write. sip on my coffee and spill out my thoughts.

ryan. i miss him. i dont think its co-dependancy... its being in love. i dont care what they say. :)
still in love after experiancing everything under the sun together. thats a lot to take in and get through. there were times i didnt think we'd make it out alive. i remember sitting in the little room we rented in virginia beach together and just crying, screaming even. wondering how things would ever become what we wanted them to be. im glad we braved it all and stuck together.
and i have insanely GOOD memories, too. juicey memories. memories that make my toes curl, to this day. memories id give anything to revisit. late nights. elbow road. the atlantic ocean (who doesnt have some of the best memories from that place and has lived in hampton roads??). fairgrounds. locks point. the norva. wendys. andys. friday nights. sunday mornings. 
its sad to feel these moments slipping from my fingers as time moves on. i can feel myself gripping them tighter than ever, scrambling to vividley remember places and colors and times and faces and feelings. i just want to be 80 and have albums, journals and scrapbooks loaded with youth. i want to look back and say "wow, what a life". and i want to have ryan right there with me.  cant imagine a single day without him. not one.
thinking about renewing our lease. still some debts we need to pay down before we have many options. im going to load up on paint if we do and im going to slather these walls with color. and im going to get lots of rugs and old furniture and load up this place with texture. 
dallas is moving back to virginia beach. shes been gone for a while now and im so excited to have her back. shes one of the kindest people ive ever met in my life. ive always felt so loved by her, and somehow we've managed to stay in touch over the years. i cant wait to introduce joshua to her!
joshua... my little man. gosh, i well up with tears just thinking about him. he has no idea the kind of woman he has caused me to be... no idea how much ive grown, simply because of him. 
does God really look at us with this overwhelming love too? people say it all the time. "God loves you like you love your own children". i have a hard time getting my head around that. im sure its true, but still... what a thought. never really understood what that meant until i loved Joshua.
now, if only i could love God with the kind of love i have for ryan... THAT i cannot get my head around. but i strive for it.
my life has been a whirlwind of events the past 3 years. they FLEW. ryan, moving out, wedding, pregnancy, baby, marriage. i guess "house" is supposed to come next, but who cares? i should make these days last as long as possible anyways, just the way they are.
ive decided i like having nice clothes. and i like accessories. and im going to make it somewhat of a priority to get dolled up at least once a week. makes me feel young and like a girl again, not just a mom. because, honestly, i shower every morning, but i stay in my sweats and tank tops pretty much every day with joshua. we have more fun playing that way. :) 
15 minutes until ryan gets off work. i love him i love him.

 ive been browsing through the internet tonight for some "trash the dress" ideas.
we went to get my dress altered today and after trying it on and falling in love with it all over again, i started to chicken out. i needed some encouragment. apparently this is a huge trend right now and it doesnt seem as devasting as i was starting to make it out to be. ha. 99% of the time the dress is able to be dry cleaned and comes out looking good as new. and they said the focus doesnt have to be on actually destroying the dress. instead, its intended to give the bride and groom a new plethora of options, as far as locations, lighting, and fun is concerned. :)

here is an example of what i plan on NOT doing. ;)


gross.

this, instead, is what i would love to get out of the shoot.

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i slept in until 11:30 this morning! 11:30!!! i got up to get joshua at 7, gave him a bottle in our bed and cuddled with him for a while. then ry got up with him, laid him down for a nap at 10 and got back in bed with me. ah, so nice. :) 
im making banana pancakes with wheat germ and cinnamon. joshua and ryan devour them and its so cute. something about being a mom that makes you love feeding your family.
yesterday ryan FINALLY purchased recording equipment . :) he got it from bart for $250. it was hard to spend that much money on something. we rarely spend more than $50 on ourselves at one given time, but im incredibly happy that we did it and now he can really enjoy his music whenever.
im taking my wedding dress to be altered and dry cleaned today. hopefully they can have it done by aug. 1st. if not, ill have to go somewhere else. 
its cloudy outside. 
i love being home with my boys.

 later: playing in the rain! :)